In a world that often celebrates conformity and projects curated identities through social media, being your authentic self can seem both daunting and elusive. Psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, offers a compelling, research-backed guide to overcoming self-doubt and embracing your true identity. With deep empathy and practical wisdom, Hendriksen explores how to navigate social anxiety and unlock the confidence to be your real self in everyday life.
Below, we dive into four major themes from Hendriksen’s book that will help you live more authentically and confidently.
Understanding Social Anxiety: What’s Really Holding You Back?
Social anxiety isn’t just about being shy or introverted—it’s a deeper fear of judgment, rejection, or appearing foolish. Hendriksen describes social anxiety as the “irrational fear of being revealed as a fraud,” even when there’s no evidence to support that belief. At its core, this fear is driven by an overactive inner critic that constantly tells us we’re not good enough, smart enough, or likable enough.
According to Hendriksen, social anxiety is incredibly common—affecting roughly one in ten people at some point in their lives—and it often stems from well-intentioned traits like a strong sense of self-awareness or a desire to do well socially. However, when this anxiety becomes chronic, it can lead us to mask our true selves, avoid meaningful interactions, or overthink every word we say.
One of the key insights in Hendriksen’s work is that the goal isn’t to eliminate social anxiety entirely, but to learn to act in spite of it. Just like a compass pointing north, social anxiety can guide us toward our values. Instead of trying to silence the inner critic, we can learn to coexist with it and still move forward.
The Myth of the “True Self”: Why You’re Already Enough
Many of us fall into the trap of believing that we need to “find” or “become” our true selves—as though our authentic identity is hidden away, waiting to be discovered. Hendriksen challenges this notion by suggesting that who you are is not some fixed, hidden personality, but a series of behaviors and choices that align with your values and aspirations.
Being yourself doesn’t mean acting the same in every situation or always speaking your mind. Instead, it’s about congruence—behaving in ways that feel right and consistent with your inner compass. You might be quieter in large groups and more animated with close friends. That doesn’t make you inauthentic—it makes you human.
Hendriksen also reassures readers that feeling anxious in social situations doesn’t mean you’re broken or fake. In fact, your nervousness often stems from caring deeply about connection and belonging—an incredibly human and relatable trait. Recognizing that you’re already enough, even when you feel uncertain, is a powerful step toward authenticity.
Quieting the Inner Critic: Cognitive Tools for Self-Compassion
One of the most helpful parts of How to Be Yourself is its toolbox of strategies for challenging negative self-talk. Hendriksen draws from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to help readers identify and reframe the automatic thoughts that fuel anxiety and self-doubt.
Here are a few techniques she recommends:
-
Catch the critical voice: Pay attention to the thoughts that arise before, during, and after social interactions. Are you telling yourself you sounded stupid or that people don’t like you? These thoughts are often distortions, not facts.
-
Label the thought: Once you recognize the inner critic, give it a label like “judging” or “catastrophizing.” This creates distance and helps you observe the thought instead of getting swept up in it.
-
Talk back: Respond to your inner critic as you would to a friend being too hard on themselves. Offer yourself kindness and evidence-based counterarguments.
Through these practices, Hendriksen encourages readers to replace harsh self-judgment with self-compassion. This shift doesn’t just reduce anxiety—it also helps build resilience and genuine confidence over time.
Practicing Authenticity: Small Steps to Big Change
Authenticity isn’t an all-or-nothing trait—it’s a skill you can strengthen through consistent, intentional practice. Hendriksen emphasizes that being yourself doesn’t require dramatic gestures or complete vulnerability in every interaction. Instead, it’s about taking small, manageable steps to align your actions with your true values.
For example, this might look like:
-
Speaking up in a meeting, even if your voice shakes
-
Expressing a personal opinion rather than agreeing to avoid conflict
-
Wearing clothes that reflect your personality instead of trying to blend in
-
Saying no to a social event you don’t want to attend without guilt
Over time, these small acts of authenticity compound and build your confidence. You begin to prove to yourself that you can handle social discomfort without abandoning who you are.
Hendriksen also notes that it’s okay to fake confidence at first. Acting “as if” you’re confident can actually create real confidence over time—a concept known as behavioral activations. By engaging in behaviors that reflect the person you want to be, you start to believe in your own worth and competence.
Final Thoughts
Ellen Hendriksen’s How to Be Yourself is more than a self-help book—it’s a compassionate guide for anyone who has ever felt held back by fear, anxiety, or self-doubt. Her message is clear: you don’t have to change who you are to be accepted. In fact, the key to true confidence is embracing who you already are.
By understanding social anxiety, challenging negative thoughts, and practicing authenticity in small steps, you can quiet your inner critic and begin to show up as your real self. It’s not about perfection or fearlessness—it’s about courage, consistency, and kindness toward yourself.
In a world that constantly tells us to be more, do more, and present ourselves flawlessly, Hendriksen’s advice is a breath of fresh air: You are enough. Just as you are. And the more you believe that, the more the world will believe it too.
